Apparently I am not a consistent person. How long has it been since my last blog post? If I was getting paid for this, I would be a lot better at keeping it up. Pay me and I’ll prove it.
The posts started to slow down once Dexter started daycare and I was working hard to start up my makeup and esthetics business. At the same time, I learned that I was pregnant and all of my hard work building up a clientele for Brady Layne Beauty was probably going to go to waste once I birthed the child. Sure enough, once my belly started protruding my clients started dropping like flies. I couldn’t blame them… Especially because on top of a pregnancy, my husband had accepted a job offer and we were packing up our shit and moving to Edmonton.
It was an offer I didn’t want to accept. Jeremie and I love Medicine Hat. He told me he didn’t want to move either, but I could tell how badly he wanted me to say “let’s do it!” After all, it is a great opportunity for him. I was very hesitant. I made a trip up to Edmonton with him to try and convince myself that it was a place I wanted to be. We spent a weekend there and on our drive back home to Medicine Hat, I felt a lump in my throat when I told him how badly I wanted to like it for him and I just didn’t. I wanted to go and get this magical feeling of “this is where I am meant to be.” That didn’t happen.
I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I said no to moving, my husband was going to miss out on this opportunity and I was being selfish because other than my business (which had barely started) there is nothing tying me to Medicine Hat. I have only lived here for five years and I don’t have family here. I felt as if I were a terrible wife by turning it down. If I said yes, I felt as if Jeremie was being selfish, forcing me to move, resulting in me being unhappy for the rest of my Edmonton-living life. It was a lose-lose situation for me. I had a friend tell me I never should have married a man. I should have just lived my life as a single woman and then I wouldn’t have to sacrifice anything for anyone. Unfortunately I don’t know how to adult. Please don’t talk to me about taxes or ask how much my average utility bill costs. When I married Jeremie, my dad literally gave me away like “Here! She’s your problem now.” Oh yeah, and I do love the guy so marrying him wasn’t just about finding someone to take on the responsibility of me.
Somehow I blinked and we had agreed to move. We had listed our house and sold it in three weeks, and I had made numerous trips to Edmonton and area to house hunt. Jeremie has already been living in Edmonton five days a week and making it home on weekends, and I had somehow become a woman I was in awe of. It may sound arrogant but I had never pictured myself as someone who could handle as much as I did. I feel stupid saying it out loud because I know plenty of women who do it every day (and I am in awe of you too!). With my husband working away, I managed to parent a toddler who seemed to hit his terrible twos a bit early, clean my house until it was sparkling, wrestle two cats and a boy numerous times a week to pack them up and get out of my house for showings, attempt to take on appointments for the few clients I had left, make a few trips back home to Estevan to finish up some business there, find a house in Edmonton, and make it home in time to give birth to my second son who I was expecting to come early considering all of the stress I was feeling. Apparently I needed a few extra days to myself though since he was two days overdue. I spent that extra time bitching and complaining asking God why I was still pregnant. Why was I being punished when I felt I had enough going on. Couldn’t this baby just be born and fall into our currently busy life already? I wasn’t even uncomfortable, I just hated not knowing when it was all going to happen and I needed it over with so we could get back to the task at hand. Moving.
Don’t think I did all of this without having some serious meltdowns. I would call Jeremie who was five hours away and cry into the phone telling him how bad our kid was. I was a bad mom. That I had no patience for him and would yell at him for being bad, and then I would cry harder because I felt guilty for yelling at him. I cried because my maternity pants quit fitting me and I had to wear leggings to be comfortable and I had never been a “leggings person.” I cried because I was sad Dexter wasn’t going to be an only child anymore and he had to share my attention. I cried when I went into labour because the next time I saw my son, he was going to have a little brother. I cried when I realized Jeremie had to go back to work and I now had two children to take care of. I cried when my cats meowed. I cried at the thought of moving. I cried a lot. Let’s just blame it all on hormones and move on…
…To more times I cried. We had one couple look at our house numerous times. We were right for expecting an offer because sure enough, they gave us one. Our house in Medicine Hat sold. When we accepted their offer, I was so upset. I knew we had to sell our house but there was a part of me that was hoping it wouldn’t sell and I would never have to leave. This was MY house. This was my first house as an adult. Sure I lived with Jeremie in his condo for a bit when I moved out of my parents house, but this house had my name on the mortgage. I picked it out. I walked through the door when it was originally for sale and I could see me living there. Jer and I would get married and have babies and this is where they would play. And just as I had imagined, I got married and I brought my two beautiful boys into this world. When I left the hospital both times, this was the house I brought them to. This was my home. I knew this wasn’t our forever home but I never thought I would be leaving it so soon. Whether it was now or ten years from now I don’t think I would ever feel prepared to pack up my things and say goodbye. One week from today will be the last time I get to look at these walls. I will walk through the rooms, which will be empty and know that it will all just be memories. I am dreading closing my front door for the last time with me on the outside, never able to go into my home again.
We found a new house and it is beautiful. Just for fun, let’s tell you about another time I cried. When I looked at it. I broke down in front of our realtor (the poor lady) and expressed my feelings. I was upset that I had walked into such a gorgeous house. Upset that anyone would be happy to live in this house and I didn’t want to. We had looked at tons of homes knowing we had to find one. I cried because I expected to walk into one and get that feeling. That magical feeling that overwhelmed me when I walked into our house in Medicine Hat where I just knew. I realized I wasn’t going to get it because this new city didn’t feel like home. I didn’t want to move and I wasn’t accepting the fact that we had to.
After sleeping on it for a few nights we finally put an offer in. It made this all a little more real for us. Turns out, neither of us were really accepting the thought of us actually packing up our little family and moving. Now that we have checked a few things off of our list like selling our house and buying a new one, it snapped us back into reality. My guilt for yelling “I don’t want to move!” through a waterfall of tears to our realtor who had already showed us a million houses kind of went away. I am sure my guilt for how I handled this whole decision and making my husband feel bad for putting me in this situation will slowly go away. This is not something I want to do but once I am there, I know I will find the good in it. I will have great opportunities for my business. I will raise my boys to be amazing people no matter where we are. I will make new friends, or at least make cardboard cut outs of their bodies to drink wine with. My husband and I will be under the same roof again. Lucky him. This is going to work.
Jeremie told me he would live in a box with me as long as it was me by his side through this whole journey. It has taken me a while but I am learning that home isn’t the place where I sleep at night, it is the place where my family is. Soon we will all be together again and that is where I am meant to be.