Give me your attention. All of it.
I’m not requesting it so I can get a point across. I am demanding it because I need confirmation that I am still doing okay.
Currently, I am in the middle of a life crisis. Originally titled My Midlife Crisis but I cut that out in a hurry because if this is the middle of my life I’m not making it to 60 and I’m trying to reach for the stars here. It started a handful of months ago, but wasn’t noticed until a few weeks ago. The dreadful day I discovered my first gray hair. I was sent into a downward spiral where I started noticing everything and anything. Life has thrown me the most shallow curve ball and apparently I am struggling to overcome the dumbest shit.
It was a gloomy morning followed by a night of the baby waking up more than usual. Or maybe she slept like an angel and it was a beautiful sunny day but the horror I felt at the time is clouding my memory. I looked in the mirror, and glistening in the flattering glow of my extremely bright vanity lights was not one, not two, but THREE silver strands growing long and healthy out of my scalp. Here I am in shock and somehow having to come up with logical thoughts, like do I leave them or pull them out? Fun fact: There is no correct answer when you are losing hair due to postpartum balding. I chose to yank those sons of bitches out because having a bigger bald spot felt more reasonable than the combover I was about to attempt.
In no time at all, I was Facetiming my mother so that I could force someone to feel sorry for me. As she was in the middle of talking me down off a cliff I was caught up looking at myself in the tiny box in the corner of the screen. Probably looking for more things to complain about, and by golly I found something. There in the middle of my neck was a patch of skin that I swear wasn’t wrinkled the day before. I felt out of control and was super scared I was about to buy a convertible or Bowflex or something. Maybe book myself a retreat in the middle of the desert to discover who I truly am. Who fucking knows?
After these vain discoveries I had a realization that this “crisis” has been happening for some time and that is why these little things are affecting me so much. It has been months since I have had a moment to myself. My days consist of making everyone else happy and I’m an afterthought. Don’t be mistaken, I am happy but it’s totally acceptable to want five minutes alone. It shouldn’t be frowned upon to want to poop with the bathroom door closed (I also feel the need to point out that kids should be on the other side of it, and don’t let me see any little hands reaching underneath either). When I don’t have time for self care and then discover physical changes in my looks, it all starts to snowball. On this day, I had the very pathetic thought that I am just an old, married mom of three kids and there was nothing desirable about me anymore.
As you may have noticed, I have a tiny fear of aging. I feel I am supposed to be in my twenties forever. It’s annoying the hell out of my husband, but he’s probably just frustrated because I keep telling him to hold out for my thirties. I hear women are in their prime then and I have somehow convinced him I will be a sexual deviant who can’t get enough. But if I keep celebrating my 29th birthday for years in a row, perhaps he’s worried it will never hit me.
I shouldn’t be so worried about being undesirable though because my husband swears he will do me right now and thats all the matters. I’m pretty sure a guy a few blocks away is hoping he might too. Between my Google searches for the cheapest Botox in my area, I have been posting items on the local Buy and Sell page. A “friendly” man bought a few things from me and then decided we were close enough to send me dick pics. So thank you for that, I feel young again and am cured of all my self doubt.
But instead of pretending that penises are the solution, let me be real with you. I’m being awful dramatic. I distinctly remember hitting a stage like this after each of my children. And you know what? It passed. I don’t have a moment to myself but soon enough I may feel I have too much time without my children. A day when I am too embarrassing for them to be seen with me in public, most likely because of all the plastic surgery I plan to treat myself to.
I lose myself in the chaos of sleepless nights and constant breastfeeding, hours of my baby being propped on my hip because she just wants to be held. I will catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck happened. How so much has changed in such a short period of time. A friend asked if my crisis is just a matter of realizing this is the life I made for myself and now it’s the only life I will know. And it’s true. A lot of life’s biggest moments have already happened. Falling in love, getting married, finding out I was pregnant, and getting to have three children. I know there is so much more exciting things life has to offer, but these are the most exciting times of my life right now and I need to remind myself that these are the good days before they have passed me by. The nights are long but the years are short, so appreciate the chaos.
Besides, I’m going to look a hell of a lot older one day than I do now.
