When I was younger, I distinctly remember a time when I was pissed at my mom. I remember it so well because she constantly brings it up. One day I was playing alone, quietly, which I assumed is what she wanted so I thought she would leave me to my own activities. I must have been too quiet because she came to check on me. What she discovered was me, topless with half of a plastic Easter egg taped to my chest.
I was so angry with her for catching me. I’m still not sure if I was mad that she saw me do it, or that I didn’t get a chance to make my other “boob” and put a shirt on to see how they looked. Either way, I ran away (hid in my closet) for hours hoping I would never have to look her in the eye again. Even worse: she got photo proof. For years I would fear ever getting married. She told me she would put it in a slideshow to show on my wedding day. I made a pact to myself to never get married, or at least find the picture, burn it, and deny deny deny!
I broke my pact. I did get married, I never burned the picture, and I don’t deny it. My mother can tell the story all she wants but at least she isn’t bringing the photo out to show our family/friends/neighbour/mailman. I am thankful for her lack of interest in scrapbooking, or simply inserting pictures into a plain old album. The picture will never be found amongst the hundreds of other loose pictures of me with bad haircuts, gap teeth, and leaning over to spread my butt cheeks for the camera (Reminder: Burn this one too).
Taping an Easter egg to my chest wasn’t the first or last incident. My very first training bra was ruined because I stuffed it with silly putty on more than one occasion. Then when junior high came along, my best friend practically had double D’s and I was made fun of for being flat. In fact, so flat “the walls were jealous.” Come on 12 year old boys! Girls shouldn’t even have boobs at that age, should they? My friend just grew hers early. With their size, I think she might have been born with them and growing ever since. If she wasn’t standing next to me, maybe mine wouldn’t have looked so miniscule. Sometimes they aren’t that great. They hold you back from running because they bounce and hit you in the face. Man, was I ever a fast runner.
Boobs have always been a dream of mine. I had high hopes to have voluptuous breasts when I got pregnant just to experience it. Nope. Any weight I gained went straight to my belly, and a little to my double chin. My next chance was after I gave birth, my boobs would be huge while breastfeeding. Here is a fun fact: They went in reverse! I now have two saggy sacks of skin hanging from my body. I could probably slap someone in the face with something that was once a perfectly fine B cup. The good news is, after I am done having children I can buy some and I plan on doing so. I will have the cutest new boobs and there will be no more need to stick Easter eggs over my nipples with Scotch tape any longer.
Like I said, the picture is lost in a mess of others, along with me in my Brownies uniform, but here is an idea of what I looked like at the time. Don’t picture me topless though, that’s just gross.
